When Life Forces a Reset | Nyassinu "Nuke" | EP #2

Life doesn’t always give you a clean reset. Sometimes it takes everything you built and leaves you figuring it out.

In this episode, I sit down with my friend Nyassinu “Nuke” to talk about what it means to start over. Football was his entire world until circumstances outside his control forced that chapter to end. On top of that, he had to process the unimaginable: losing his father and seeing it unfold publicly.

We talk honestly about identity after football, grief, the importance of support systems, and how friends and family can carry you when you’re not sure how to move forward. This isn’t a highlight reel or a redemption fantasy; it’s a real conversation about resilience, community, and continuing when the plan falls apart.

If you’ve ever felt like life flipped the script on you, this one’s for you.

Watch on YouTube

https://www.youtube.com/@ramblenreflect

Transcript

SPEAKER_03 0:00

I'm Jeremy Shepherd, and this is RR. Uh stands for Ramble and Reflect, where we have good conversations with good intentions. Joining us today, we have a close friend of mine. Is how you pronounce it? The real name, right? Yeah. And uh actually, I just learned how to pronounce that. That's crazy. That is nuts. But uh at other people, a lot of people know you as Nuke.

SPEAKER_00 0:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 0:24

So let's jump into it. I mean Let's do it. Let's do it. How are you? I'm good, man. I'm blessed. Came to plane. Where are you living right now? Like, I know you're out here right now. We're at a park right by our high school. And uh, why do you want to do it at Franklin? Why do you want to do it at the high school?

SPEAKER_00 0:41

Uh I mean, you want me to answer that question fully? Or you want me to just a huge stepping stone. It changed, changed my path on where I was headed for in my career and in my um life at that time. And yeah, it was real memorable for me.

SPEAKER_03 0:56

Okay. Like uh I know that you went to a couple schools before. So that you did you go to a different high school? You went to John Glenn, right?

SPEAKER_00 1:03

I went to John Glenn for a couple months. Yeah, that's how I met Leon. But uh I went to John Glenn, uh, left there, went to uh Detroit King. Okay, and I was there my freshman year. I actually was there for my whole freshman year. And I after that I went to Detroit Persian for a couple months, then that's when I came out to uh Franklin. You're all over the place. Yeah, man, that shit was terrible. Yeah, why were you moving around so much? Uh really, really, I was already living in like Westland, Lavonia.

SPEAKER_02 1:31

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 1:32

But I um I went to Detroit King because it was like the best, I was playing football, you know, and uh it was the best, the best uh place for me at that time to like go D1 and like get all the looks, offers, and whatnot. But I did some dumb shit, thought I was gonna get expelled, so I transferred to a different school, but it turns out they didn't expel me. They wanted me to come back. By that time I was like, I'm just gonna go out to uh Franklin. Dang. I should have been came to Franklin. Like that's how I was thinking. I should have been with Franklin.

SPEAKER_03 1:58

You already knew people when you came here though, right?

SPEAKER_00 2:00

Yeah, I knew Denzel, Charles, Calvin, Ivante.

SPEAKER_03 2:03

Yeah, because I I I was boys with a lot of them, and and then you kind of popped up and I was like, who the fuck is this? Yeah, yeah. So my little brother they were like looking at you like uh like you were a star or something.

SPEAKER_00 2:13

My little brother was friends with um with all of them before I even knew them, you know? So your mom was friends with all of them a long time, like years before I Johnny. I'm like, why are you friends with this guy? Like he's bad as hell. Yeah. But you know how it was back then. But yeah, that's why, that's why I came out ultimately for real.

SPEAKER_03 2:32

Nice. And then when you got here, what was like your first impressions?

SPEAKER_00 2:36

I loved it. That's why it made me like that's one of my one of my biggest regrets. I don't really have many. But that's one of my regrets. I I'd say open openly that I uh didn't come to Franklin earlier. I wish I came there like my freshman year, because they would have seen a whole different, I feel like they would have seen a whole different side of like football life. They would have had a guy like me on the team from the start. Yeah, yeah. Like guys there didn't even weren't wasn't you used to um playing on varsity their freshman year. And I never played nothing but varsity as a starter, you know what I'm saying? So if they would have seen that, they'd be like, oh, we all could do that.

SPEAKER_03 3:08

You know, they would have worked harder, it would have just been a little bit of grinding, a little bit of inspiration, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 3:12

Yeah, oh yeah.

SPEAKER_03 3:13

So talking about inspiration, what was some of your big inspirations? Do you have like, is it family? Did you look at like I know like a lot of the youth looked at like Odell and were like, you know, looking at shit like that, or like Tom Brady, like and thinking of greatness, you know what I'm saying? Like, who is your inspiration? Uh I'd say probably like Marshawn Lynch.

SPEAKER_00 3:32

Gotta be. Attitude or? Uh shit, all around, all around. He a he a dog on off the field, you know, like can't be played with, you know, like he just carries himself like that, like that. Like his his uh, what is it? Mentality. His mentality, but also his brand, his beast mode. Yeah. You know, like he literally carries himself like that, you know. But it's not like a carry, it's just like that's who he is, you know. Like you can't, you can't like if somebody asked me, I don't know him personally, obviously. But like if somebody asked me, I would say, I would bet my money that that's how he is 24-7, even off camera. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, and that's that's what made me be like, damn, I want to run. And I already ran the ball like him. So I was like, I was like, why not? You know? Yeah. But he definitely motivated me to want to uh go and go hard at that position. I mean, just growing up where I grew up in general, just you had two options. You had a lot of options. I feel like people, people uh they let themselves down by let by thinking that they only got two options, but it's really multiple different options. Yeah, you know, it's just about which one you want to take. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 4:34

One is more like one's maybe not as like flashy and and you know, like big promised, you know?

SPEAKER_00 4:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 4:40

But like, where did you come from?

SPEAKER_00 4:41

Uh I'm from Detroit. I'm from like seven mile and uh Strathmore. Okay.

SPEAKER_03 4:46

And what was that like growing up?

SPEAKER_00 4:47

Like it was cool. I mean, I was bad as hell as a kid. I was bad as hell as a kid, but I never, I never uh, I always was gone or not in the situation by the time the situation got to the point where you can't get out this situation.

SPEAKER_03 5:02

So it was it was like friends, was it just like was it just like inevitable? Like it was just like you where you grew up?

SPEAKER_00 5:07

Nothing is inevitable. I don't like I don't like when people do that and say that well, you know, like because I feel like if you have a control, like if you have an opportunity to leave, yeah, then you had the opportunity to make it.

SPEAKER_03 5:17

It's a decision.

SPEAKER_00 5:18

Yeah, you know, but um, no, I um pretty much just I didn't really look at it like that though, bro. I'm not gonna lie to you. Like, yeah, it goes back to like the having having options. Like I always wanted, I loved football growing up. Like I literally loved football growing up, and I that my mom wouldn't let me play. So, and then when I had homeboys in my neighborhood, they was doing stuff that I was doing it too. Well, I was kind of like on the follower wave. Gotcha. And I was so young, I was like, I didn't realize I was following. But like at that time, my dad was like, you know, don't ever be a follower or be a leader. And then as I'm growing up, I'm learning what being a leader is. I'm like, oh, that ain't my shit. This is my shit over here. Like, I ain't selling no drugs, I want to run the ball. You know, so that was kind of how I how I uh decided to go that direction. And it saved me. It was your pops. It was ultimately, ultimately, my my pops, I mean my family in general. I can't I can't just give them all the credit. Of course, of course. That's really cool though.

SPEAKER_03 6:16

I so I know that you lost your pops. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so I want to dive into that, but I also want to dive into, like you said, like it wasn't just your pops. Yeah. You know, it's probably a lot of inspiration coming from there, but maybe, maybe there's some other places where it's coming from, because I know your family a little bit, but you know, give the listeners a little bit of insight on you know what kind of support system you had. Was it friends, family, uncles, whatever it was, and and kind of dive into like how much that did for you, especially because you're saying like right, like you were in a place where like you had decisions. It's not inevitable, but you had decisions and you were making some maybe questionable ones, and maybe not, you know, everybody wants to fit in, whether you're the coolest person or whatever, or the best athlete, or the smartest, or whatever it is. Everybody wants to fit in, right? So you're young, you're not a star, you're not, you know, famous, you're not whatever. And so you are coming up in a place where it's easier, maybe, to get in a bad situation.

SPEAKER_00 7:31

You know? Yeah, no, that's a good, that's a great question. Um I'd say, like every everybody that you brought up, the family, the friends, the the coaches, the other teammates that wants what I what I want as well. So we got our goals are aligned, so we pushing each other. Like, how you gonna get there? Why are you stopping on? Keep going, keep going. We want this, don't, you know, things like that. It can be the back then I used pretty much anything as motivation to avoid going to where other people were going that I didn't want to go. You know. Um my mom, my dad, my sisters, my uncles, my cousins. They all supported me um when I when I took off in the football. When I first started playing football, my first year, I played um offensive line and D-line.

SPEAKER_03 8:17

When was this? Like what age?

SPEAKER_00 8:19

I was six. I was six. So I played D I played uh D team on the the West Side Dragons.

SPEAKER_03 8:25

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 8:26

And um I didn't really get that much playing time, you know. And I'm looking like, I know I'm new, this is my first year, but I'm better than all these guys that's playing skill positions. Um at six, I got that dog.

SPEAKER_03 8:41

I'm gonna kind of say something, I'm gonna interrupt you really fast. Uh the first time I met you, like I said, I was like, who is this guy? And why is everybody talking so highly? You know, like, you know, I was like kind of like intrigued.

SPEAKER_02 8:53

Yeah. You know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_03 8:54

And like you were you were boys with my my guys, you know, like and I was like, I've never met you, you know, and I'm like, out of nowhere. And they like you said, like they already knew you. So I was like, how do they they're acting like they know you because it's not like they're the nicest people, like they're they're not just gonna like open arms, they're like, welcome to Franklin, you know. Uh so it was just a funny thing to see. My first joke, I think I've ever said about you was uh was this man came out of his mom's womb grown.

SPEAKER_00 9:31

I've heard that before though. It might have been from you though. That's crazy as well.

SPEAKER_03 9:35

Because they showed me, I think I saw like a kid picture of you something. Oh man. It looked like a damn steroid at three years old. Like, so I think that was funny a little context of like where I was at, like when I first met you. Yeah. And then we we weren't even boys until later, but we'll jump into that. But so like going back to you know, like where that the poll was, where it was holding you, you were six, you were at this uh the the football team first time, and you were already thinking that you're like higher level than these kids. Yeah, and like for some that's like nuts to think like oh you're six, like, oh yeah, sure, you were thinking this, but I can relate, and I think a lot of other people can relate. So you have this thought, you're six years old, what do you do?

SPEAKER_00 10:19

Uh I just go out there and have as much fun as I can with the opportunity that was given to me at that time. Uh I was free, I was pure, I was I was a kid, you know. Like I had zero zero responsibility and everything. So I I I remember catching myself in times though, because at the end of the day, I'm still human. Uh I would catch myself in times like, damn, like I don't want to be playing O lineman, D-lineman, you know? It's little league, so like even those guys are still my size. But it's just like this isn't fun. Like I have way more to offer, you know? Yeah. And I'm working hard without knowing that I'm working hard. You know, I'm six. But I don't know like I'm moving as fast as I'm moving until somebody else. So the next year, I went and um went to the Patriots. New organization, bro. I'm talking about when you say new new opportunity to start fresh, I'm talking about this was their first year starting the organization. So like I'm the brand now. Like I'm the I come in, they don't know what to expect. I come in, I don't have anything behind me in my past to let them know like this guy should be playing this position. I play running back, one of the best running backs in on the in the league, you know? This is like seven. That's seven.

SPEAKER_03 11:23

So I um now I wanna I wanna point out, like, you're I didn't know how big football was. Like, obviously, I know it's big, right? But like I didn't know how big it was youth-wise until I saw like my boys playing like Eagles and shit. But like, let's let's be clear, Eagles is nowhere near the level of some of these teams out, especially in Detroit.

SPEAKER_00 11:47

So you got like the like the team out here is uh what's what's the name of the league? I have no idea. I don't you don't know. So in Detroit is it's called Pal. Okay. Police Athletic League, and then they have uh uh Pop Warner. Okay, I've heard of Pop Warner. Yeah, so growing up, growing up, Pop Warner would typically, how I looked at it was like the faster kids, but like we're soft. So like you got a good example, a great example. This guy wasn't soft, uh Avante Maddox, you know who that is? He plays for the Detroit Lions now, but he played for Philly. He went to uh he went he played football for for Pitt, University of Pitt. Okay, he played DB there. I went to Detroit King with him. Okay, he came from he came from Pop Warner, but he was fast as shit. He played baseball too. But he was a dog though. He wasn't soft, yeah. But he was just fast as shit. I'm talking about Kaleen while he's running, you know. But he played for the Lions now. He just came back, he played for us. But like that's how I looked it up. The PAL league was more like dogs. Okay. Like speed, physicality. It was it was that, you know. A little bit rougher? It was no, I'm talking about fuck rough. Like it was it was that. It was like police athletic league, the police gotta be at the games. Because it was like, it was like you, it was like, it was also like a saving type situation. Like you got these badass kids that you're going to get from these different neighborhoods.

SPEAKER_03 13:01

Yeah, that's kind of what I meant by tough.

SPEAKER_00 13:02

Yeah, you're going to get these different, like growing up, my my coaches, when I played for the Saints, man, which was my best year of um Little League football. We went 14-0. We had a stacked team, me, Michael Eber, Anton, Curtis, uh, Troy, Troy Bennett, Truder. Um, where we had we went 14-0, won the whole league, went to Florida, won that league. Like we was, we was some dogs, but that year, my coaches used to think that I was smoking weed. I was, I was, I was 13. They thought I was smoking weed, you know? I'm telling them, like, I don't smoke. They thought I was like a hood, a hood kid. Yeah. I'm like, I live in the hood, but I'm not a hood kid, you know? Yeah. Like when I got older, I thought about like, damn, why the fuck did they ever think that I was doing that? Like, that was, did I come on? They they just thought it because I was so like I was rough, but I don't know, like a good rough. Like I just wanted to play football, they thought. But yeah, no, all that, all that turned out well. It all turned, it all worked out for me for sure, for sure.

SPEAKER_03 13:57

So knowing knowing what I know, right? So like we're you're talking about your childhood, you just kind of jumped from six, you started playing when you were six, and then you went to like when you were 13, you just jumped to, right? Yeah, what's the the level differences? Uh I would say sport-wise, right? Like, I think there's level differences, but there's also like younger like leagues that are better than some of the older leagues. But so like for you, at which point did you maybe hit a wall? Did you ever hit a wall of like skill uh or speed or strength or whatever it is? Like I said, you came out a grown man, but you know, it's uh I think that I think everybody hits a wall at some point. Maybe it's a mental wall. And uh and maybe like did you hit one? And and when was that? Or did when did you notice it?

SPEAKER_00 14:48

Uh I mean, I've hit m m multiple different walls throughout my career. Yeah, throughout my life.

SPEAKER_03 14:55

Um What was the first one?

SPEAKER_00 14:56

Some some yeah, that's what I was gonna say. Like, I feel like some aren't aren't aren't relevant enough for me to be like like really give it credit because I I I when I hit it, I was like, I'm gonna get this nothing. This I don't count this.

SPEAKER_03 15:07

So that's kind of what I was getting to is like what did you do then to do it? Because it sounds like that you had like this, like this confidence.

SPEAKER_02 15:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 15:14

And I and it I'm like for me, when I was young, I had a lot of confidence too, but then I got older, I got to high school.

SPEAKER_02 15:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 15:21

And that's when the real problems hit. Because it was like, it wasn't like when I was young, yeah, like skill, like, or like if I if I wasn't fast enough or like strong enough, it's like just work out, yeah, you know, or just work on it. And like, I just want to be the best. And so, like, was there a point where like something hit you? Maybe it was outside of football, maybe something happened at home. What what happened, or what was the thing that kind of like stopped you in your tracks for a second? And like, where where did you go?

SPEAKER_00 15:49

Oh man, you got great questions. Um, let me see. I would say uh one off the top of my head that I could think of that was that meant a lot to me, that definitely helped me, um, that I felt like was a huge barrier. I hadn't hit like one of these type of walls that was restricting me from doing what I I knew I was uh capable of doing. I I was at Franklin, actually. Yeah, it was my first real injury. I like I didn't tear it, but I like pulled my Achilles. Yeah and um I had like you were talking about like everybody was expecting this new running back coming into town. I got this name, which means I got all this behind me. Like people are expecting big things, you know? And we got Stevenson, we going. That's like Michigan versus Ohio today. You know, so I was like, that's a rivalry. And they get, you know, people just expecting a lot from me. Um, I'm training super hard, man. Shout out to those guys that I was on team with, uh, Christy Hazel, Bobby Jax, all those, all I miss those guys, but um, they pushed me. Uh I tore my, I put my Achilles, Coach Kelbert. Uh I thought it was, I thought I was done. I thought I was done, bro. Like, like mentally, yeah, like I was like finished.

SPEAKER_03 17:02

Like I had never felt that, yeah, like what did that feel like? Because you've been through some shit. Like I like I know that. Like everybody goes through something in life, right? Like that was a sport thing, right? And so, but this sport has it wasn't like for me, my sport wasn't just a sport. Like when I was playing soccer, it in like outside looking in, yeah. But like, I I dedicated everything to this, right? You know, and I I I decided to do something that was harder than going and just going to college. And I'm not saying college is easy in any means, but the that's why there's you know 1% or whatever the number is that make it to pro whatever pro football, pro soccer, pro basketball. So that mental side, I don't think we talk about, especially as kids. Yeah, and I you know, I I think that it's probably because when we're kids, we don't really think about it too much, and we just don't know what is going on exactly. We're thinking that like, oh, something happened and I'm feeling this way, but like later you were like you kind of reflect on it.

SPEAKER_02 18:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 18:05

But did you get to reflect on it in the moment? You had this pressure, you have this what did it cook you and make you stronger? Did it what happened?

SPEAKER_00 18:12

It by far made me stronger. Yeah. Um, I was already, I was already super locked in with Coach Kilbert, but the fact that he was able one day in practice, bro. We played, we played Stevenson week one, and I had I had been having my damn right uh leg inside this Gatorade bucket all the way up to my knee for like two weeks before that. Because I got hurt three weeks before that, before the first game. So them next few weeks I was icing, icing, icing. Not really even a run for real. Yeah. So um, week one, we lost to Stevenson, man. I I'm dosed up on uh title no ibuprofen. Yeah. Like I tried to play, I couldn't really run. I tried it. Uh around like week three, we in practice. Coach Kilbert, like, he's running next to me as I'm running the ball. He's like, you gotta get through it. You can't fucking baby it forever. And he didn't curse at me ever. Yeah. You know? So not to the point where I felt like he was like mean or anything like that. But he was pushing me. He was like, You're you're tearing yourself up. Like, it's bad, but you're never gonna, you're never gonna know how bad it is for us to be able to fix it until you push it. So I'm pushing it. As I'm running, I'm babying it. He's running next to me, comes and he pushes my shoulder. Man, I take off full speed. Man, and it's just like I heard him and he pushing me, he pushing me, he pushed me. I hadn't been hurt anymore. Like I wasn't hurting no more. I I was mentally stuck in being, yeah, like I didn't know. Like that was I don't I don't even know how to explain it, bro. It was just like crazy. And like for me, that was like a turning point that uh that he cared that much to push me. Yeah, that he did it the way he did it. Yeah, um, I felt love from him. I ain't gonna lie, I felt love from him, you know. Um, I'm forever grateful for Coach Cobra, bro. Like all those all those coaches, Coach Kyle, Coach Cubra, all those guys. But yeah, that was that that was one of the times. Um mentally though, I think like you said, like you said, it's not something that when we're younger, we really um think about. I think that's a good thing though. Yeah, I think so too. A certain level of mature for you to be like to get through it.

SPEAKER_03 20:17

Yeah, I'm 28 and I'm still going through stuff like with my my back and stuff. Like it's like something happens and everything changes.

SPEAKER_00 20:26

Yeah, I mean I'm 14 concussions in now.

SPEAKER_03 20:29

Exactly. And and I don't know, like I just like so yeah, I think I agree with you. Like the not knowing what exactly it is, sometimes is kind of a blessing.

SPEAKER_02 20:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 20:38

You know, because now I know what it is, and to get through it, I feel like it's way harder. You know, and I and maybe it's because there's like things stacked on top of it. Like there's now I have bills, now I have you know that'll do it.

SPEAKER_00 20:50

That'll do it.

SPEAKER_03 20:51

And so it's like uh the additional stressors uh when I think of back when I was a kid, you know, like if I failed at something, it's not like we're gonna lose the house, you know. Like you know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_00 21:00

Like we're wanting to be successful, like you want you you never want to need anything, you never want to have to lean on other people for us for stuff. Yeah. It's crazy nowadays. I was actually thinking I think about this a lot, and it actually helps me through my days when I'm having bad days, is that like when we're when we were younger, we always wanted certain things. And then we got when we get older, we don't realize that, and then when we get to a certain level and we got those things, we want more more stuff, you know, bigger more for ourselves. And we don't we forget that we actually have what we wanted when we were younger. We have it now, but we're not appreciating it as much because we have it in that moment. Yeah, instead of acknowledging that I have everything that I wanted. Yeah, you know, yeah, and then it's nothing wrong with wanting more, obviously. That's the next step. But like that kills us.

SPEAKER_03 21:41

Yeah, dude. Imagine imagine my my ten year old self, the new PlayStation comes out, and I get to just go buy it. You know, like I ain't gotta wait. That's nuts, you know. I can just go do whatever. Like I can just go do that. Yeah. And so, yeah, you're right. Like it is uh an amazing thing to be stressed about to be honest to be able to even have the blessing of being stressed. Yeah, it's a good stressor.

SPEAKER_00 22:06

It's a good stressor. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 22:07

It's not all bad. Yeah, exactly. I I think that's kind of like what you're I when Coach Celvert was pushing you in that moment, were you were you like one of those types to get, I mean we know plenty of those people where it's like you've seen them. I know like a couple of them myself. If I wanted to name them I could I just probably should have you know edit that part out. And uh I think that the being able to control your feelings and and control maybe your reactions to things is bigger than what sometimes the skills are. Because sometimes the reaction is what makes or breaks the situation or the tryout or the whatever. Like literally everything.

SPEAKER_00 22:52

That's all they see is the reaction sometimes. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 22:54

So in that moment in that moment Coach Calvert's pushing you and you're like at this point limping basically you're probably getting pissed off. I in my head I would think like you're pissed off at yourself already because you're you're hurt and it's not your fault right and that's that's probably maybe something that was going through your head like I didn't fucking break my ankle or something on purpose. It's not like I like smashed it and I'm hurt and I have this pressure on me and somebody's pushing me and yeah he's pushing you for a good reason right but in your head in that moment what were you feeling? Like what did you think from him? Were you kind of mad at him like maybe in that moment?

SPEAKER_00 23:33

So I'll be lying I'll be lying I'll be lying if I said I was bro that's what that's that's what made it such the moment the moment you know it wasn't that he was pushing that that was a part of that he was pushing me. But it was that when he was pushing me he did it in such a caring but like it was nothing that he could have said to me in that moment that I would have taken the wrong way.

SPEAKER_02 23:49

Really?

SPEAKER_00 23:50

Yeah because that's from the moment like that I met him it was always pure you know really like when you're dealing with somebody that's pure and you know they got genuine love for you like it's nothing it's gonna take a lot more. Like so when he pushing me he could have said anything get your mother for you could have been you know in that moment like I'm like yeah it's like learning how to walk for the first time like thank you for teaching me that you know like thank you for pushing me. Like that's how, you know I it wasn't I don't I've I can't remember I can't honestly say I've never been mad at Coach Celbert. Like never had an attitude with him never never been I mean I'm not talking about like oh we uh we uh we doing conditioning obviously I'm like what the fuck I was mad at more like Chris Knee though because he was like get your lazy ass up you think because you're good you can just stop running like people like that yeah you know you need him that dog that dog that that uh brotherhood push keep pushing you but what with the situation Coach Kilbert um no man I I never got mad it was it was he was amazing yeah it was it was it was great like it was that's that's really cool I I I didn't even know that I like I've met Coach Kilbert and he's he's awesome he's a funny guy and uh and I think he's like very unserious when it comes to like what my interactions with him but I I saw a little bit of the seriousness when we would be at practices I had practice and you guys had practice over here.

SPEAKER_03 25:07

Yeah so it's like I saw that side of it but I obviously firsthand would never understand.

SPEAKER_00 25:13

Well he's one of those guys that you don't want to let down. Yeah okay so it's like yeah it's like I want to like it's kind of like that uh coach Campbell type situation like damn I don't want to let this guy down he cares he cares so much yeah no but yeah it was awesome man it was awesome that's sweet he definitely helped change the trajectory of my life for sure that's really cool is there is there anything that you're talking from six to now you're in high school we're talking Coach Calibert and uh you're you're the the questions that I'm asking you are you know I'm looking for some sort of hiccup some sort of roadblock right yeah what age were you when your dad like passed away shit I don't even remember I don't remember it was uh I was that was my fresh first year in Olivet. Okay. So it was I think I was 22. Damn.

SPEAKER_03 26:08

I was 22 yeah yeah what was that what was that like I I I I want to dive into that as much as I as I can with you. Yeah yeah I I think I let me give a little bit of context to the the people watching and listening uh our friendship started in high school kind of right like it was like we knew of each other we we spoke to each other maybe like in passing or like in a group yeah but like we never hung out. Yeah and uh I would say a couple years later after high school we both graduated and whatnot it was like COVID had just started. Yeah and uh COVID had just started yeah and you had flown into Daytona you weren't flying in I lived there at the time you weren't even flying in because you knew I was there. Yeah I didn't you just were there like you saved me bro you put it in the on Instagram or whatever and I like it was like oh I'm not doing nothing like and I was like you need to ride like whatever and uh we just bro you pick me up we go to the hotel I go in the the guy walking out says they have bed bugs I turn right around yeah and then from there we just kind of like swinged it and just hung out the whole time. And like I remember you canceled your flight or whatever and from that point I remember a lot of times at that time you know at COVID happened I think there was a a trial that you were supposed to go to or something for some pro something. Oh yeah yeah yeah yeah uh but kind of where I'm where I'm going with this is kind of circling back to your dad at that time that was like when I was really getting to know you and vice versa and uh we we had some talks and and at some point we were drinking you know the whole time but uh I think that a lot of things that hit me what kind of opened me to you know you're not just a football player you're not just like my buddy's friend or whatever it was like oh okay like this guy like he's like genuine to like the point of like it doesn't matter if it's like blunt you know you're genuine to the point of bluntness and you'll just speak what you know to you is true. And you talked about your dad and I we got to a point where I think we were both the tears and we were talking about your dad and man like we were basically new friends. Like we had just basically met and we were talking and crying and like we got to a point where like I'm saying like man like he would be so proud of you and like I don't know you thought but I just know that like he would be proud of you. And so from that moment right like your dad passed away first off how did how did that hate you? Like how did you know how did you find out like what was that like and what were you thinking in that moment?

SPEAKER_00 28:58

Uh so it was October 25th October 25th on Holly October 31st so I'm not playing this season. I'm not playing this like this is my last off season I because I'm gonna transfer so I gotta miss this this this part. So I talked to my dad um earlier that day and all he asked me was uh on FaceTime what you what you want for your birthday I'm I'm 22 I still get a line so life is good yeah um I tell him like hey just come to the game I want you to see my homeboys play you know just come out here because we probably he's gonna come out we're gonna we're gonna do a drink have having a good time um he said I'm there you know I'm there um later that day or later that night around like 4 a.m I get a call from my mom and she's like ah they killed him they killed him this that this down the third I'm like in shock like I don't I'm still asleep I'm thinking this I didn't even think it was fake I more so didn't know it was even happening for real at all um obviously it can't it can't tell me it was on the news at 5 a.m like the actual video getting killed whatever so me being who I am I probably shouldn't have watched that video because it's been rent free in my head since since that day you know like literally every detail of the video been in my head since that day um but I watched the video whatever happened after that no you know I I I decided to still stay at school the next couple days because I thought it was best for me to be there with my teammates you know so I uh they sent out like alert to the school like a real alert whenever somebody parents dies or when they get killed apparently so uh yeah all that happened around that time it took it took a couple years for it to actually for me to start reacting to it. You know because I uh my dad was that person in our family that held everything together to take care of everybody and since I'm the junior I felt like I had to take on that role. I didn't have to though it took me a little while to to realize I didn't have to be that guy. You know he forced himself to be that guy. And then as I grew up as I got older I realized that I started seeing like that was taking a toll on him that nobody else knew about but I was with him so I saw it. You know so he was happy but he was very unhappy at the same time so you were you were real close.

SPEAKER_03 31:22

We're like best friends around the time where he when he when he uh passed away yeah for sure uh I so okay so you find out and then I mean I think that the what kind of hit me was like you actually saw like there was a video and like that's like I don't think a lot of people can relate to that like seeing thank God that they can't like and like it's just I can't even imagine. And so like I don't know I think that just adds so much to it like to like it's just like like you said it kind of just lives with you.

SPEAKER_02 31:57

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 31:58

And so he was close and you guys were like you guys had a bond obviously and that that that passing and how then how you got to experience that by seeing that and whatnot I think that like a little bit like diving into that just like trying to figure out like your feelings in that moment obviously you're probably just in shock you're you're there's probably the question of why you know and all these things and and I I just you stayed you had made you made a decision to stay with your team because that's what you thought was like probably the easiest probably the the best for you right and at what point did you go home?

SPEAKER_00 32:44

Uh I mean I went home like the next after our game that was a that was like a Thursday okay and I replayed Saturday so I went home after that that Saturday game um yeah when I went home it was just like I was numb like I didn't feel any and when I say numb like I couldn't control it like it I wasn't like forcing myself it was just like I wasn't hurt I wasn't happy I wasn't sad I was like blank to to life.

SPEAKER_03 33:16

Yeah no emotion it was obviously the funeral and everything I was just I was just being that support system you know just just hugs being that person that people would cry on yeah uh just trying to hold it together for the family as much as I could I like I totally I I get that I I I feel I've felt that like numbness before on like a different different way but the same thing right I I it's not the same but it's I felt that numbness in the sense of like just everybody th everybody else around you is falling apart and you probably should be too but you just you're not like it's not like I'm like I'm gonna be strong no like it's just not there. Like I just don't it's like almost like my body like response you know uh and I don't have control over that. Is there a point where you it did get to you? Is there a point where you did crack uh and go from this uh this tough and like not even tough just this numbness did it kind of seep through and like when was that it's interesting it's interesting when you put it like that um I mean I can honestly say at this point you know I'm 28 as well yeah at this point that was that was years ago um it didn't crack when it when it hit yeah it hit yeah like it was it didn't crack it shattered like it didn't leak through it poured like it when it came it came and it it took a couple years um but when it when it came it it uh it tore me up I started acting out drinking yeah drinking um I didn't really know how to like cope you know I had been been been that guy for other people like trying to be there yeah um for so long that I forgot to that I was human you know and I probably should have taken the proper steps to take care of myself around that time we don't know what that is but yeah yeah but I will say though me being before I crashed and everything me helping others did help them though to the point where like they were good.

SPEAKER_00 35:27

You know everybody can take on like certain things you know so like it's like it's like me getting shot instead of like somebody trying to shoot you yeah in the head but I pushed you out the way and they shoot me in the arm. So instead of you being dead I just got shot in the arm we both still you know I'm I get you so I took on that weight you know and I'm not I'm not um I don't regret that because I wouldn't go back and change that for anything because the people I took on that weight for are people I love dearly you know like my mom, my family my brother stuff like that. But yeah man I started drinking a lot stopped caring started mistreating women mistreating myself for the most part lost love for myself and I was doing it and I didn't I didn't really care what I was doing. I just looked at it as a it was my dad you know but um yeah I had this hatred I'm pretty sure no matter how how good of a person or human being you are in life if it happens to somebody at some point you start thinking oh I'm weak because I didn't go do anything about like they didn't catch the guys. So in my eyes I'm like oh let me go be a thug let me go you know I'm thinking like my dad wouldn't want me to go do that and then what if I get caught I'm in jail for the rest of my life you know like now our family lost two people you know so but all those years it's been six years all those years and I'm just now healing.

SPEAKER_03 36:49

Now I was about to say yeah you go to the point right now where it's I like you were saying the drinking right like I think I want to touch base on that and then we'll come back to the healing I I think that's really important to like kind of touch base on I think that people everybody has a different way of dealing with big issues or trauma or whatever you want to call it you know and maybe you don't want to call it anything yeah you know and that's fine. I know I I've I I'll give you an example for me my brother and I, my older brother Josh were four years apart and I'm not gonna say his name but you know there's a a person in our life that uh was dating my mom and ended up having kids with my mom and stuff and those are my siblings and whatnot but he uh he kind of like raised like in a short period of time like in a year or two when I was like seven uh my brother was like 11 and uh they were just born and and right after that eight and twelve now uh he went from teaching us how to play baseball you know and this is gonna sound real stupid but I grew up with my mom and an aunt and a grandma and so I didn't even know peeing standing up was a dude like a thing. Yeah. So I I learned how to pee standing up like that was a thing. I was like I was like oh that's what the fuck is this like you know and so like just little things like like little things like just being like a boy you know uh and uh one day the he like snapped you know and he started beating the shit out of us like it was like I remember we would get our like head or like our body like thrown into the wall and we would have like a hole in the wall and then our mom would come home and my mom didn't know about it. Nobody knew about it except for obviously myself and my older brother Josh. And uh we would just then we would get like spanked for putting a hole in the wall. Yeah the whole time it's not even your fault. It's not our fault and uh it happened for about a year. I remember we went into this we we got we got beat like pretty bad uh like fists like he got we got punched us and shit and and I I got spanked and you know quote unquote beat with the spoon or whatever but from my mom or whatnot but like that was because we were bad bad kids you know and being dumb and whatever uh but getting abused was different and that was like a grown man beating on you. And uh I remember we got beat once uh after a couple times and and we went into this we went into our I remember it we went into the game room and uh me and my older brother were eight and twelve and we decided I think it was my fault I think I was uh the leader of this and I I was like hey like we can either like tell on him like we can either like get this to stop and tell on him or we can just deal with it like me and you we can deal with it we can just let it go and let him beat us and as long as he doesn't touch our mom or the like our siblings we grew up without dads so we wanted that him them to have a dad because we saw a glimpse of what it was to have one. Yeah and so we decided we're not gonna say nothing we're just gonna take it and uh it happened for about a year and and then one day he snapped crazy crazy and uh I remember he was like he like threw my brother through the bath the the bathroom wall like through the wall and he's like hitting on him and stuff and I was I was little and I'm skinny still now but I was skinnier then and I went over it and like tried to hit him just to I could see my brother like dying. And uh I remember him he like squatted me away like I was like a piece of paper. And uh I remember that feeling of like helplessness. With all this being said, you know it it ended. Uh I ended up calling my mom and you know my grandma and stuff and pleading to have somebody come save us uh because I didn't know if we were gonna like I thought he was gonna kill him and then come kill me. And so yeah he's gone after that right so whatever but how we dealt with it from there was it was interesting. Everybody like I said everybody has a way of dealing with trauma or whatever you want to call it. And I watched my brother then go to drugs, gangs, drinking, acting like an idiot. And that was his way of making it go away. Yeah and uh making that feeling go away. And me I was then left to not only be a kid with all of this but watch him do this to himself. And you know his friend. And we went through very similar or the same thing. Yeah and so two people went through the same type of thing same person, same scenario same timing. When he got beat I got beat when I got beat he got beat um he was a little older so I'm sure he got a little bit more uh of the strength but uh yeah I went to soccer and I went to sports and I didn't want to ever feel like I couldn't defend somebody or myself ever again. And so I surrounded myself with people friends mostly uh and I still this do this to this day uh I surround myself with people that are genuine and that through no matter like what would happen or something maybe I would say something stupid but they would still get my back and they would be the people in the room that nobody wants to like mess with. And I think if you knew that you would see that.

SPEAKER_00 42:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 42:38

So I like I said jumping back again like I said dealing with the the issues the trauma the whatever is different for everybody. Yeah and for me it took 10 years to get through that.

SPEAKER_00 42:55

Yeah man crazy because what you what you what you what you what you mentioned is like how two people it's like a beautiful thing to me that two people can go do the same thing and have completely different outcomes or experiences with that same situation. Yeah and they can go through it at the same time and and respond and act differently towards it you know that just shows how different no matter how much we have in common or how similar we are to each other like we are different human beings internally and I would say you know what I'm saying so it's crazy. But I also want to say one thing about that too like I want everybody to know like if everybody anybody who watched this like like take your time nobody can tell you how long you grieve for it nobody can tell you that you can't grieve nobody can tell you how to grieve you know I'm saying take your time and when that time higher when whenever that is whenever you need to do to get through that you do it. Have your own back you know listen to yourself. Yeah and it's hard to it's hard to to fall off but it's even harder to get back up you know like people say it's easy When you when you when you're going through something to it's easy to to go the wrong route. No, it's hard because you know in your head I shouldn't go this way, but you still go that way because you feel hopeless, you know. You got nothing.

SPEAKER_03 44:11

Yeah. You know, you're at that point. Maybe you do have stuff, but it's where you're at stuff sitting there. You're you're it's not nothing, nothing matters.

SPEAKER_00 44:18

Yeah. Yeah. We need more people. We need more people to man, you know, I just tell people like that, yeah, just take your time. Like, grieve how you want to grieve. But it's crazy because like even today, 2025, like it's so hard for men to open up and and talk about their emotions. Because that's how the world is supposed to be, apparently. We're supposed to be strong. But really, what I've noticed is men are strongest when we're able to be vulnerable, you know, and be ourselves. Yeah. And release that that emotion because I've had so many times where I talked about some things that I've been holding in for years that I was too masculine to speak on, and I finally found that person I could talk to about it, even just right now, you know, and felt that that angel lift that devil off my shoulders, and I'm like, ah, fuck, fresh air. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 45:13

It's uh it's uh I think kind of the purpose of this whole thing is like, you know, my whole life I felt pretty lonely.

SPEAKER_02 45:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 45:21

And uh, and I think that's kind of one of the reasons why I have friends that I have, uh, is that like I would have those conversations. You know, I would talk, I was I'm very open with talking about everything that went like sideways, you know, and like and the more I did that, maybe people didn't go through the same thing because nobody ever goes through the same exact thing, even if they do go through the same experience, it's it's a different way that they experience it. And uh, but it was really every person that I got to talk to, whether they went through something crazy or they just went through like a car accident, you know, or like everybody goes through whatever, and and it could be they could feel it the same way as you getting uh abused or losing your pops or whatever. Uh, and it's just real interesting, and I felt less lonely. And so I think a lot of my conversation is probably pretty selfish, but like selfish in like a positive way.

SPEAKER_00 46:16

Yeah. And that's another thing too, though. I'm like, man, we are allowed to be selfish. Yeah. We are allowed to put ourselves first, bro. Like it's you got it too.

SPEAKER_03 46:26

Nobody else is gonna care about you as much as you. Yeah. And I think that's I think that's what with social media, I think it gets twisted.

SPEAKER_00 46:33

No, it like a lot. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 46:35

And and there's a difference between being arrogant and confident and you know, and and in believing in yourself and being arrogant. Uh so I think I don't want to get that twisted because you know that arrogance can get people in trouble.

SPEAKER_00 46:51

Do you think that being arrogant has a little bit people look at being arrogant as not as positive because it's it's a little bit of um uh belittling other to other people?

SPEAKER_03 47:04

Yes. Okay, that's so that's I think when I say arrogance, I think of uh I'll give you two individuals, right? So like let's just say I'm the arrogant person and you're not. Okay. Me being if I'm the arrogant person and we've gone through the same same situation, let's say, my arrogance will then make me treat others with disrespect and less than, exactly, less than. And uh and it doesn't matter, it yeah, it comes off as maybe uh like words of like descrip describing it. It would be like, you know, like racist or you know, angry or you know, abusive, you know. And so I think the arrogance is the danger, and and I think like you said, you're allowed to handle it how you handle it, but if how you're handling it has something to do with you know taking down others, that's when it needs to be, you need to kind of like look which inward a little bit and checked, you know, and and that's when I think, you know, you're you know, if you don't have like a group close of friends, like close-knit friends that know you and can like put you in that spot, I think it's gonna take a lot longer and to get to where you need to be. But I think if you're listening to this and like you're at a point where something's you know hit ya and you're thinking and maybe maybe the shoes fitting and it's like, oh, I'm kind of being disrespectful or I'm not who I am, you know. Um I think then I think looking looking inward is probably the best bet. You know, and I I think for me, like I said, I've been I've felt lonely a lot uh in my life. Even to this day, I I I get feelings of that. Yeah. You know, and uh and when I say I'm feeling lonely, it's it's not that I'm like you can be around a group of people and still feel it's it's that like I don't think people can relate to me in the what I'm going through right now or before or whatever. And so that's what I mean by loneliness.

SPEAKER_00 48:59

And so yeah, I I I think your experiences are your experiences though. Yeah, I understand. And that's why you allowed to be selfish. Because those are yours, those that's your life. Yeah, you know, nobody can be like, oh, you went through that, I went through that 20 years ago. Yeah. No, that was you 20 years ago. And this is me.

SPEAKER_03 49:17

You're different than me every time.

SPEAKER_00 49:19

Yeah, what's your name? Yeah, exactly. My name is my, you know, shit like that. Like, but also I want like you you said one thing out of everything you said, you kept bringing up one thing. Friends. Yeah. That group of friends, once you find you know, like, yeah, they don't we don't realize it, but like we we kind of do now, as we get, but like looking at each other, like looking at our friendship, like it seems like we've been knowing each other since kids. But like, it's only been like, what it's been like seven years. It's like seven years, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 49:50

As actual friends, yeah, and seven years of me being moved or you playing somewhere or whatever. It's not like we're together every day, but like if when we get together, yeah. Uh but yeah, I think it's pretty interesting, and I think that friends are very important, and friends can be your family. Uh I think that that's a huge thing, I think. Family could be friends, family should be family. You pick your friends. Yeah, you I think you pick your family too, in some way or another. Uh I think you know what's funny is you know, you kept at the beginning you said something, you said, you know, like I don't believe in like the word like inevitable. Uh I think that I don't really believe in this line of family and friends. Yeah. I I think that yes, you're born into this group of people. Love mine. Yeah. Yeah. But you don't like I if my if my dad was a jerk and like horrible person, I'm I'm gonna decide that that's not what I want in my life.

SPEAKER_00 50:51

You're not my family.

SPEAKER_03 50:51

You know, you're my sperm sperm, don't you?

SPEAKER_02 50:55

I don't know that my whole life.

SPEAKER_03 50:57

Um but yeah, so I I think that that's huge. And and I think that deciding who you're around really is gonna uh help and change everything. Because we've seen it. I mean, we've seen it firsthand where we see like one of our friends and they got a group of people and they're just stupid, like they're just they're doing dumb shit, and then next thing you know, obviously our buddy or our friend is doing some dumb shit, and then we're like, why? Like, we don't even have to ask why, because we can see why. We know, and but it's like what do you do? You know, so I think that you're you're right that be selfish, uh, don't be arrogant, and I think I I kind of want to dive into I want to dive a little bit into your football career. Your your pads are hung up, hung up. They're hung up, and so we've been talking about sport, sports, sports, sports, sports, sports, sports. Your whole life is on this sport. And I mean, even I thought you were gonna go be that guy.

SPEAKER_00 52:03

And uh what happened running into people with my head down. Uh man, mainly like if you sum it up, that's damn near what it came down to. But um, really deciding to be selfish. Deciding to be selfish and putting myself first.

SPEAKER_02 52:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 52:25

You know, because I'll always put all my all my life I've been putting football first, which I needed to. Yeah, yeah. So I don't regret it at all. Actually, I'm very grateful that I'll put football first because that was the drive to keep me from being dead now, and now last month, seeing 28. Or this, yeah, last month seeing me seeing 28, you know? Like that was the difference, putting putting that and having that drive. Using football as the reason to go to college.

SPEAKER_02 52:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 52:56

Using football as a reason to wake up every day and want to go to school, using football as a reason to go to class while I'm in college, because I gotta get a certain GPA. Using that drive to all my mom posts me on her Facebook every week, like I'm that child, I'm that I'm that guy. Or all my aunties, they love seeing this. They see me on TV, you know, stuff like that.

SPEAKER_03 53:16

So sorry, I'm laughing. I I just I just remembered uh when I came to your Christmas. And when I interrupt, it's because I I'm passionate and I think about the kind of stuff. But uh I just like I just got hit with like this this thought, and uh it was like came to your Christmas. I was the only white dude there. For one, and for two, it was like I've had big family parties and stuff. A bunch of them. A bunch of people. So black Christmas, and there was so many presents. I've never seen presents. The cat got a fucking present. And I'm talking, you know, what I was getting to, yeah, it was funny because it was just like so many people and so much love.

SPEAKER_00 54:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 54:14

And it was just so much craziness, but so much love. Yeah. And uh, and I think, yeah, and I could see, I could see that love and that and that proud, that proudness that your family, your aunties, your your mom, your brothers, everybody had when you like we walked in. It wasn't because I walked in.

SPEAKER_00 54:34

They were looking at you. Like if they seen, they if you would have walked in first, they would have knew I was close. But like that, that's what I'm saying though. Like all of that. Yeah, you know, like me not really being able to come home. Because when I was in Minnesota, I could have come home for Christmas. You know, but like me not being, me missing family events, me missing, like, I'm I'm taking risks. Like, I'm I'm I'm putting this, like they know I'm away. Like, oh, we're we're nephew, uh, they know I'm doing something that's gonna benefit me for the rest of my life. Yeah. You know, so like, so when I did come around, it was it was time to party. Yeah, you know, it was great. And I could walk in the room and before I would open the door, I could feel the love on the other side of the door. Like they were about to go crazy.

SPEAKER_03 55:15

Were you scared of when you decided that football was done for you, that that might end? Uh or do you did you were you confident and insecure with like your family and the the people that you had around you that like you had you had done the right thing, like, and that they were gonna support you no matter what? Uh I was scared about not knowing what was next.

SPEAKER_02 55:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 55:38

Uh I didn't know what was next, but I never my my trust and my faith never varied because I've I've always had that support system behind me. And with them, I've gotten through much harder things. So at that time, by that time I decided that I was done, yeah. Think about it, like at that time I had already gone through the worst that I I was gonna go through. Yeah, you know, it could be worse, but like at that time, that's how I was thinking about it, whatever. So by that time I had I mean it was hard. Like nowadays I still kind of miss playing. You know, I'm like, damn, I could easily like I see these guys, they can't get the first down. I could have I was a first down master, you know. So, but um I have uncles and like certain people that still ask me, are you done? I'm like, bro, I've been done for three, three, four years now. Like, you know, but I I'm still I'm still in pretty good shape. But um, yeah, man, that whole not knowing part of it was the scariest part. That was the hardest part because you never know. Like you, my whole life was football, yeah, you know, so and to not have that anymore, yeah, was like gone.

SPEAKER_03 56:42

Yeah, yeah. I I think that uh something I heard recently on uh another podcast, I forgot which one, but it's probably like Esther Perel or something. I think I jipped that name, but uh, she's uh like a therapist and she has like this like therapeutic, like I've seen her on a whole bunch of things, but she's real smart and and she's really good with kind of explaining things. I think she said something along the lines of uh, you know, ask this question to yourself, you know, like maybe you're a football player, or you know, maybe soccer, you know. Uh but maybe you do other things, like in school or maybe in your friendships. What are you? What are your values that are you that you carry into football, that you carry into to any sport, to friends, to family. That's who you are. And so it doesn't matter if you get injured and you can't play this sport that you put everything towards, or it doesn't matter if you went to college for 10 years, you got a freaking doctor and you're a surgeon or something, and you break your hand and you can't do that anymore, your life isn't over because your values aren't football, your values aren't school, your values aren't those are things that you have done and maybe accomplished, but those aren't you. Yeah, and so what are you you without that? Because I know I I feel like I know who you are, but who what do you see yourself when you look in the mirror, when you're being proud of yourself, when you're having that moment for yourself, if you do, what does that look like? What are those words that kind of describe you?

SPEAKER_00 58:18

Uh it's kind of like a bio. Yes, it's like a you know how people be like, I'm a son. Yeah, I'm a brother. Yeah. Uh that those are those that's how I was started off. Uh I'm a son, I'm a brother, I'm about to be a father. You know? Uh yeah, that's huge. I'm a I'm a man turning into a better man, taking the proper steps that he need to do what he needs to do in life. Um trying to trying to just figure out what's next. Like, I figured out what was what was next at when I said it last time. Yeah. Every day it's the same thing. Like, what's next? You know? And I'm not, I'm not, it's not a stress, I'm not saying that in a stressful way. I'm just saying, like, that's what I'm saying. Yeah, that's what I'm doing with life right now. I'm just taking it one step at a time and um really just trying to. I'm still figuring that out, man. Like, can it say full circle, I'm still figuring it out. Like, I'm still not where I want to be. I don't know what what all my like what's the word you use? The values. I don't know where all my values are. Like I know, I know what I want to be. I want to be, I want to add husband to that list. You know, I want to add like like that type of stuff. Like, um, man, I'm just really just trying to focus on myself and figure out. I know what I want. I'm trying to figure out if I know for a fact that's what I want. Like when I get that, is this what you are you gonna be satisfied or are you gonna waver off and be like you you wanted something, you want something else. You know, because I'm 28. Like at some point I'm gonna be 35. At some point I'm gonna be 40, you know, like you gotta get it, you gotta get this shit together at some point. But um, yeah, man. I'm still I'm still learning. I'm still learning, and I'm 28. Some might be like that's young, some might be like that's old. But I'm saying that to say, like, you never stop trying to figure it out, you know? Like your values always gonna be upgradable. Yeah, they're always evolving. Yeah, so I don't know at this at this point, man. Yeah, that's a that's I mean, you've been killing me with the with the great questions, but that's another great question. And there's nothing wrong with that, though. There's nothing wrong with that.

SPEAKER_03 1:00:28

Nothing wrong with that. And and I think that this ties into the next segment. The next segment is kind of a surprise, and it's the thing that I texted you. Ah, so I forgot about that. If you could pull out your phone, uh, I'm gonna kind of make sure the cameras are good, but pull out your phone and uh you're gonna play this this uh this message. So go ahead and play it loud. This message right here?

SPEAKER_00 1:00:58

Yeah. What's this game?

SPEAKER_01 1:00:59

Play it. Now you have to do that. Junior. Where do I start? You know I am proud of you more than worth any. However, you feel the love I have for you. You have overcome so many afterboth in your life, and you still have so many more to overcome. And you are the strong people. Now for your meaning or your gold. His name and his mind. I lost my dad and I'm still dealing with him. It's been twelve years, but you know that you ain't been doing better than me. You have.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:38

Oh man, that's Duke's thing. That's what I'm talking about. You know, like you know, yeah, yeah. Well let you say to a certain when you when you when you go through like a certain amount of when you get to like a certain point in life and you you like it reflect and you look back and you and you you really think about like everything that you've been through. And like you're not looking back to like feel sad or looking for happiness from it or whatever, but you just kind of just acknowledge it, and then you remember who helped you get through it.

SPEAKER_02 1:04:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:04:18

And then you remember they not only helped you get through it, but you seen them and going through their own type of situation, or the exact same situation. We get to a point where, like, for example, just hearing my mom's voice is like soothing to me. Yeah. You know? Yeah. Like hearing my dad's voice, I got video pretty, not like that, but like just hearing my dad say some motivational stuff. He didn't know I was recording. Just hearing that soothing to me. It's like, it's like a baby when they crying, you give them their pacifier and they stop. Just like that. And it's just like, it means so much with value. My I I can I say now, now that I'm thinking about my my family for sure. Yeah. Like, when I'm younger, I didn't do this. But like now, I'm like, it's to that point now, like I'm 28, my mom 54. Like, I'm recording more videos of her. Like, I'm we on FaceTime, I'm screenshotting, I'm making, I'm trying to keep as many memories. You know, I'm not saying she's going tomorrow, but you wanna, I'm building that that memoir of like, like, I need all this. Like, I'm at that age where like she's still here. I'm gonna keep everything that I got. I'm gonna continue to build that that book up, you know, and it's just it's a beautiful thing, you know. Like, I'm man, I'm just so grateful and to the point where I can't complain. Like, like being able to, like everybody can complain. Like, who am I?

unknown 1:05:49

You know?

SPEAKER_00 1:05:50

Like, who the fuck am I to be out here complaining and making my, first of all, making myself more stressful, but making others more stressful because I know there's people in my life. That if they see, like they don't like seeing me sad, like it brings them down, you know. Shout out to those people. But life is just Justin Bieber said, life is worth living. But yeah, man, it's it's uh damn, that that was just that was crazy. That was that was that was awesome, bro. That was that was I love my mom so much, bro. Like she did that in less than 24 hours. She knows on top of that. You know, everybody be like, my mom's the greatest. We all got some fucking amazing mothers. We don't understand. And even if they are, even if we ever do get to that point where our parents tell us certain things, like we don't understand like what our moms went through and we're probably still going through, you know? Yeah, 100%. And and we just look back, and look, we here right now doing this, you know, and we shall forever be grateful for that.

SPEAKER_03 1:07:03

It's just it's just so I think I I wanna I wanna you know come to the end of the episode, and I want to ask you kind of one question. And and I wanna I want to have you kind of answer it uh like two certain people. Yeah. So one your son. Yeah, you know, the man. Uh, and then your mom. Yeah. So I want you to be able to, like you said, you want a recording of like your mom and stuff all the time so that you can have it and hold it and cherish it. I want you to send a message to your son. Uh, and I want you to send a message to your mom, maybe in response. Uh, but just kind of say some things uh that is close to you and on your mind uh right this like second for how maybe proud or happy you are with of your mom if this was your last message that you could ever send. Maybe you know, like you're you're the only message that you could give to your son if the worst happened and they this was all they had. What would you say?

SPEAKER_00 1:08:11

First, I'll do moms, shout out you moms, shout out you moms, you know. Uh I'd say thank you first and foremost for being there, for being here, here and there, because you were both, and I I what I mean by that is even when I was 16 hours away, like I could still feel her love, you know, I can still feel your love. And I'm forever grateful for everything that you've given me and taken away because it was all at the right time, you know, and it was all for a reason. And like you trusting me to to know, like at some point, I was gonna understand why you did what you did or why things were the way that they were. I can never repay you for those things. But thank you for being my best friend. Thank you for being my mom. Thank you for being my irritation, one of my biggest irritations ever in my life. I'm grateful for that. But really, just being like, like my life, you know, like everything, like it's just it's it's no real way for me to put it in words, mainly because it's fucking freezing out here. But like just over here shivering. Yeah, like man, just I can never repay you for any of that, any anything. Like, and more to more still gonna come. Like, but I'm gonna spend the rest of my life definitely trying to uh pay you back in whatever way possible. I'm definitely gonna continue to annoy the fuck out you. Don't don't ever think that's gonna stop. When I'm on my last breath in the bed, on my deathbed, I'm going to annoy you. And you're gonna think like, damn, he's dying. And all he cares about is all he cares about is annoying me. So shout out to you, mom. You know, that's forever love. To my son. To my about to be newborn son. Hey, man. Hopefully I do meet you. Hopefully I'll make it. Hopefully I'll make it in. But uh, yeah, man. You better be ready to rock and roll when you pop out that twat. Cause it's going down, man. Like uh uh I'm this is the best thing that's that's ever happened to me, and it hasn't even happened yet. Um, this is the greatest love of my life, and he isn't here yet. This is the most dependent that I've ever been on anything as far as like depending on being happiness. Like I know when when I see this this little dude, like it's just gonna it's gonna be like straight, man, like I'll cry right now. Like, it's gonna be that, you know, like uh, but to you though, I love you. I'm here for you. And if it's up to me, I'll be I'll always be here for you. And I'm gonna forever try to be the best father and man and best friend. Shit, if it needs to be, brother, that I can be, you know. I don't want to say nothing about me not being there because I hope I am here. So yeah, that's how that's how I put that way.

SPEAKER_03 1:11:28

Yeah, I I I I I love that. I I I think throughout this whole thing it shows every time that you talk that the people that are in your life are in your life for a reason, and you are a good man and uh a good friend and uh a good son. And I think that you're gonna be a great dad. And I am from where I'm sitting and from my friendship with you, I am forever grateful that we met and that we acted like idiots and that we drank and everything. So I I I I just I'm really happy that we got to do this and to the next. I I mean, you're gonna be a great man, like your mom said.

SPEAKER_00 1:12:16

Appreciate it, bro. Me too. So that's it. That's love, that's love. You're right with that. Appreciate you, buddy. Love you, bro. Love you too, boy. Uh that's a good ramble.